:(

The feeling of having a giant rock ripping your heart to shit as the weight crushes you into the water. You are drowning while being crushed at the same time. You are helpless and the more you struggle the more it hurts. This is what it feels like to never feel good enough. This is what it feels like when nothing you ever, ever do is right. This is what it feels like... Impending death.

Big empty

Somehow I caught it, I caught the last shred of hope in her. I jumped through hoops, maxed out my credit card and pulled the very hair from my head to keep that one last spark ignited. She arrived broken down.

Over the weeks and months I tried to give her a place to call home. Soon she had friends and people that cared about her. She had a life all her own. Little pieces of her began to shine through. But that still wasnt enough. She drank to feel. She drank to forget. The sight of her stumbling through endless day and nights became heartbreaking. But she was here and that was all that mattered to me. I was selfish for her.

Now she wants to go back to her hell, to our hell. I am on the verge of hating her. Why does it always have to come back to the past? What is so wrong with moving forward? I cant tell her what to do. I want to. I cant make her be happy. I want to.

Now I need someone to save the last bit of hope that I have for her alive. Right at this moment in my heart of all hearts all I can say is, I give up. I hope that she doesn't.

Anxiety

Sweaty palms and a fast beating heart. I am always looking around. Searching for something familiar but there is nothing. Only heavy breath that wont come out. My skin is screaming and I feel sick to my stomach. I am cracking a smile hoping that the sheer terror wont come barrelling out of me. I cant stop pulling my hair and twisting the ends around my fingers. I want to go home where everything is safe, where I know everyone. Cold, cold air on my face is what keeps me from losing it. Maybe the cold draws my attention away from my insides. I dont know I just know that it helps, some. 

::I didnt do the full ten minutes on this one even though I should have. ::

A true story

Christmas came fast, almost without warning. A little tree sat excited in an old lot. When the rush of families came to search for that one perfect tree all the little tree's friends would hold their branches high and mighty. But the little tree just sat happily waiting for the right family to come. All the little tree wanted was a nice warm home and people to look at him adoringly and lovingly. He just wanted to make someone smile. The weeks went by and soon almost all the little tree's friends were gone. He had weathered through the cold December still clinging onto all hope that he would be taken to a home. 

Christmas was so close and he was almost alone in the lot. All his friends were in homes beautifully decorated basking in the warmth of the Christmas spirit. The little tree began to wonder if he was cut down for nothing. He wondered if he would spend his Christmas alone in the old lot. 

Then, just days before Christmas, a man and a girl came strolling through the lot. They stopped to look at the little tree. He heard a voice say, "This one is cute. I think she'll like it." A rush of excitement ran through the tree as he was picked to be someones Christmas tree! 

The little tree came to a nice cozy home. He was strung up with lights. The little tree stood proud. He waited for the rest of his decorations but none appeared. So he waited happily for whenever they would come. Later that night he heard a twist of the front door and a woman walked in and burst out with joy, "A tree! We have a tree!"

The woman loved Christmas. But this particular year work had drained her and left her feeling less Christmas cheer. She longed for a tree but felt that it was too close to Christmas to get one. So when she came home to find the little tree in her home all her Christmas cheer was restored. 

The woman opened up boxes of decorations and gently placed each ornament on the tree. The little tree felt loved and special. And the woman felt happy. The little tree had brought Christmas back into a home. 

Sadly, now this little tree sits at our curb. I feel guilty seeing it lying there in the dirt. Poor little tree. 

The lost friend

We have been friends so long and now I know that I never knew you. I saw your beautiful smile as a genuine gift. Your hands were always outstretched. Our history could change the world if we wrote a book and shared it with everyone we knew. 

But now I see that everything was just a little show. You just cant bare the fact that you might be ordinary so you have to be the most extravagant person anyone could ever know. The spot light, no matter how big or small, must always be on you. You have raised yourself up so high that you have lost sight of everything that was once important. Big flashy car. Perfect hair. Perfect life. But the sad thing is that you just dont know you anymore. 

I miss the friend I met so long ago. She was wonderful just the way she was. She seems to be lost though. Lost for nothing. Some times I think I see bits and pieces of her shine through.