The frustration of love

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Some times there is absolutely NOTHING that you can do to help the ones that you love. Some times all that you can do is pray while you watch them fall. Pray for their souls, pray for their lives, pray for their hope. Some days I wake up and wonder how long I'll have to pray for my sisters, my brother, my mother, my family... My heart is heavy with the hopes and dreams of my loved ones. I keep the flame burning for them like a candle in the window. And maybe I am naive in that I sincerely see that one day they will open their eyes, their minds, theirs hearts to something bigger and brighter. But I come from a stubborn stock of women and men. There is no telling when life will start for them...

Wasn't life so much happier when we were younger?

HURT

No matter what.....

Things to never forget about the past week

1. My sister looking up at me for encouragement while she was in labor and pushing.

2. Seeing the way that my sister looked at Sloane and the way that Sloane looked at her.

3. Being there when my sister had to say goodbye and witnessing what an amazing woman she has become.

4. Ida the very kind nurse that was so good to my sister.

5. French-braiding my sister's hair.

Having been there twice before I know how unbelievably hard and unnatural it is to hand over the precious little life that you have just welcomed into the world. Watching my sister do the very same thing brought up a new love and respect for my sister. I don't know what to say or do and I imagine it was the same for the people that loved me and my babies. But this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my sister. I saw her change overnight into a mother, a birthmother. And while her journey might be different than mine I hope that I can be there for her... My heart feels heavy and hopeful.

Friends?

I can remember many of the friends that I have had throughout my life. Some have been wonderful, wonderful friends... others not so much. And then there are the filler friends. Friends that just so happen to fall into your life right when you need them but you don't exactly care if they drift away.

I often wonder who my true friends are. Are they the ones that have always been in my life and always will be? You know they type. The one that was there when you got your first kiss and hugged you tight after your first break up. The friend that called on you to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding. The friend that sends you pictures of her family once a year. The friend that knows that you will be there no matter what and vice versa.

Or are they the ones that float away into that black abyss of life? The friends that teach you something about who you are, who you were, who you can become and who you might just end up being. The friend that will hold your hair back while you puke but still not tell you that they kissed your boyfriend. The friend that will drink coffee and beer with you but wont ever really talk to you like a human being. The friend that does everything in their power to make you jealous and paranoid but will always side with you in a fight. They weave in and out of your life. No agenda other than to just live their lives and let you live yours.

I don't call many people anymore. I don't hang out like I use to. It makes me wonder if I am the kind of friend that just blows away into her own life without a thought or care about the friends she leaves behind. I don't know what kind of friend I am but it sometimes keeps me up at night.

Heroin

Some times I think about what might have been..

I will never forget the smell of heroin cooking on tin foil in the bathroom. Some times I think of his smile. Where could that smile have taken him? The possibilities were endless. Now he rests in a Lehi mountainside.

Blind writing and talking and thinking. Pay no attention.

The inevitable cycle of letting myself fail has begun once again. I don't know why or where failure became a part of my life. All I know is that it is there. Sometimes it sits dormant for years and then right when things are great, BAM! I fall flat on my face.

----

I am wondering what my TRUE passion in life is. Photography, painting, writing, they all seem so fleeting. And while I love them I don't think my world would be over and I wouldn't be complete without them. I watch movies and hear stories of passion. Stories of roller derby, photography, singing, hockey, music.. it makes me feel very strange. I love lots of things and maybe might be "good enough" at those things but am I passionate, do I love it?

----

I dont know anymore. I wish I could say life were so much more simple when I was a kid but it wasn't. It never has been and I beginning to doubt that it ever will be. Sometimes I even think that after I die, I will still not get the rest and simplicity that I so desire.

:(

The feeling of having a giant rock ripping your heart to shit as the weight crushes you into the water. You are drowning while being crushed at the same time. You are helpless and the more you struggle the more it hurts. This is what it feels like to never feel good enough. This is what it feels like when nothing you ever, ever do is right. This is what it feels like... Impending death.